Jokes! Post yours here...

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BMW's Invention Vs God's Invention (joke)

An engineer of the BMW Corporation died and went to heaven.

At the gates St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and

your vehicles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out

with anyone you want in Heaven".

The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang

out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and

introduced him to God.

He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some

major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited

for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God

read "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the

engineer, "but according to these numbers, More men are riding my

invention than yours."

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GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

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Great one today...

I was on a Cathay Pacific flight, just before take-off...

After the safety video finished, some charming Hong Kong Chinese flight attendant anounced:

"Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy the fright.

Man! I spent a nervous next few hours...

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Great recipe. I normally only use A-B products but this looked so good I had to try it. I really enjoyed making it if I remember right.

JACK DANIELS CHRISTMAS COOKIES

Ingredients:

2 cups of flour

1 cup of water

1 cup lemon juice

1 tsp baking soda

4 large eggs

1 cup of sugar

1 cup nuts

1 tsp salt

2 cups of dried fruit

1 cup of brown sugar

1 bottle Jack Daniel's Whiskey

Sample the Jack Daniel's to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Jack Daniel's again to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to

make sure the Jack Daniel's is still OK so try another cup, just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Jack to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who gives a sheet. Check the Jack Daniel's. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add

one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink, whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to tip over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Dack Janiel's and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS.

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Hassles

I use a thing called "Clicksor Contextual Advertising" on "Anything Goes!" and the "Top Shelf"

As the name suggests, the thing is supposed to pick up on certain keywords and phrases on a web-page and then flash up a very small text box link to an advertiser's site. Needless to say, the ads are supposed to be relevant to and in the same context as the page on which they appear.

I say, "supposed" because it quite often comes up with some rather strange ones, like "Find smb on e-bay!" Duh? Not me - I have never had anything to do with them!

Or, "Find abacus and many other related products at so and so...!"

(Abacus is, of course a highly valued and very active member of both of the forums and also the "Anything Goes!" gallery, here at artfreaks.com)

But I thought this one really takes the biscuit...!!

Find and compare great deals on hassles at MonsterMarketplace.com!!

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This one is for the boys...

(Courtesy of my good friend, JGC...)

Five Rules For A Happy Life

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

AND...

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.