Jokes! Post yours here...

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New Words for 2008

1 SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

2 SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive person.

3 TESTICULATING.

Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

4 BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

5 SEAGULL MANAGER.

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.

6 ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

7 SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

8 CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

9 PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

10 SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'.

11 SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

12 AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

13 PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14 ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes.

15 404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

16 AUSSIE KISS.

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

17 OH - NO SECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

18 GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

19 JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

20 MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing.

21 MONKEY BATH .

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

22 MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

23 MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

24 BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am .

25 BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

26 BREAKING THE SEAL.

Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

27 TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

28 TRAMP STAMP

Tattoo on a female

29 PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

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The Rabbi and the Tax Collector

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the

books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice

you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to

the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of

candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

Question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to

trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now

and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the

know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover

foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up

all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year

they send us a complete prick".

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The Biker and the Drunk:

(BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE YEAR, so far!)

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would normally fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good. The best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says..

'Grandpa..........Go home! You're drunk!'

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Boys

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby

to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to

the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with

him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had

nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye

contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go

to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned

against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your

ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;

they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm

and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think

that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard

someone coming.... "well that was me."

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THE BEST BLONDE JOKE

A blond girl walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'

'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde.

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.

'Yes,' said the blond, 'I'll go home and get it.'

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,

'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.'

Annoyed, the blond snatches the container

back and reads out loud from the container...

TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM

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The Garden of Eden

The Lord made man in the Garden Of Eden,

Then he thought to himself 'There's something he's needin''.

So after scratching around for a suitable pearl

God fiddled around until He'd created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

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Then he added a mouth.....

Ruined the whole ****king thing!!!