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The Biker and the Drunk: (BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE YEAR, so far!) A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would normally fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good. The best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says.. 'Grandpa..........Go home! You're drunk!'

The Rabbi and the Tax Collector At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" "Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual Question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs? "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick".

Just a little thing that has been "doing the rounds" of the Internet recently - and arrived in my in-box from an unknown original author: CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun. We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...... WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! PS -The BIG type is because your eyes are shot at your age

Hi Gary! Welcome to artfreaks.com! I had a look at your website, www.intuitivesculpture.com I think your work is truly awesome! I especially liked your metal people series - and this one in particular really blows my mind! www.intuitivesculpture.com/M1%20Ero...0Bikini%202.JPG If you get a bit of spare time, I hope you will be able to set yourself up some albums on the artfreaks.com Forums > Gallery. We desperately need some sculpture on this site! Happy sculpting!

New Words for 2008 1 SALAD DODGER. An excellent phrase for an overweight person. 2 SWAMP-DONKEY A deeply unattractive person. 3 TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. 4 BLAMESTORMING. Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 5 SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves. 6 ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. 7 SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. 8 CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles. 9 PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.) 10 SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a 'home business'. 11 SINBAD. Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate. 12 AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'. 13 PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. 14 ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless paperwork and processes. 15 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located. 16 AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. 17 OH - NO SECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). 18 GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. 19 JOHNNY-NO-STARS. A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training. 20 MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nowt in there worth seeing. 21 MONKEY BATH . A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'. 22 MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. 23 MYSTERY TAXI. The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead. 24 BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am . 25 BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from. 26 BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. 27 TART FUEL. Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women. 28 TRAMP STAMP Tattoo on a female 29 PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

Some good-old Tommy Cooper stuff!! 1. Two blonds walk into a building.......... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...' 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says: 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him

Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth both die on the same day and they go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity." The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The angel chuckles and says, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?" "Sorry, Dolly," says the angel... but, even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are.

The International Council of Man Laws. 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: ..a ) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. ..b ) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. ..c ) After wrecking your boss's car. ..d ) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his friends. 4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 8: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 9: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven,) she's officially your girlfriend. 10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 18: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 19: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 21: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 22: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 23: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 24: Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue. 25: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360 End of story. 26: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.. 27: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

[Edited 2020-03-25 by smb: I can't remember even posting this - let alone where it came from?! Anyway, it's nice - so I decided to keep it - and full credits to whoever wrote this, by the way!] Sand and Stone TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT. DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY, THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT; AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE. THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND: 'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.' THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO HAVE A SWIM... THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING. BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM. AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTE ON A STONE: 'TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.' THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM : 'AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE. WHY?' THE FRIEND REPLIED: 'WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND, WHERE THE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT. BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT.' LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE. THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON, AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM - BUT THEN AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM. TAKE THE TIME TO LIVE! DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE... VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE

London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense:

Women Drivers! This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac Doing 65 mph With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner. I looked away For a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, Which knocked The donut Out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying To straighten out the car Using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!

Breeding Bulls A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, " "THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR" The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR" The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,"That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

THE BEST COMEBACK LINE for 2007... For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!' General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.